I hate you, JAL bagel. You taste funny. Your label says you’re “maple-walnut flavored” and that you’re “New-York-style”. I haven’t been to New York, but I don’t think I’ve ever had a maple-walnut bagel before you. Don’t get me wrong – I like bagels – just not you. I almost don’t think you’re really a bagel. When I bend you, you tear instantly. Although you’re dense and chewy inside like you should be, your rind is almost nonexistent. It’s like you weren’t boiled anywhere long enough prior to baking. The long-winded description on your packaging says you’re made with the finest wheat from Montana and pure spring water from the Cascades. I didn’t realize Montana was such a famous wheat-producing state. In any regard though, even the best of ingredients can be made into the worst of foods. Importing ingredients from America doesn’t automatically render an American bagel. I saved part of you for Root to eat so he could taste your nostalgically unpleasant flavor and get all angry too, but he didn’t show up today. I don’t want to be wasteful, but I think I’m just going to throw the remainder of you away since my stomach already feels a little upset.
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